Saturday, 7 March 2015

A Chip off the Old Block; it be FREE an all!


AND (because he is a genuinely nice bloke)


“Alreet thar Amazarn reader, Dis be ol’ Ted Turner ere to tells yer art dis ere bark be a blardy good read mind, it be all abart sum grockle called Daniel fram Larndarn who comes to argh lurvley villarge deep in rural Wiltshirrre. ‘Is ol’ Grandfather George see, a gard friend of mione, well, he be kicking thar bucket loike, praper sad an all. Bart yarng Daniel stays in ‘is cottarge fer a while. Dan needs a jarb, a praper jarb loike so I tells ‘im, I tells ‘im art only jarb if yer ain’t gart no farming experience be at ol’ Gerry’s, art family butchers, as argh delivery boy see ewe?

So arf he goes an’ he be meeting thar other drivers who truth be told, ain’t playin’ wiff a full deck arf cards if yer catch me drift? But thar be a bit more to art tharn art an’ Daniel discovers a secret ‘idden in argh cottarge which all us local lart prefers to keeps a secret. So wif this larvely lass who he be meetin’ wiff, he uncovers an evil loike na other, see?

Thar be a bit of ganderflanking garning arn an’ I’ll be thar first one to admit art it all be a bit silly loike but underneath all art messin’ abart lies a dark and scary plot with some zarmbies in it an all! Yeah art be rioght I said zarmbies, thar undead yer knows whart art means? Can argh Daniel save argh villarge frum the zarmbie apocalypse, can he even understands whart be goin’ arn wiff thar strange ways he be talking an’ all art an’ can he also be baggin’ himself one of argh most bootiful cuntray lasses, thar dirty shagger? Well, darn’t be asking me loike, read thar blardy bark an see fer yerself yer lazy so and so! Oo-agrgh an dar best fing abart this 'ere bark is it be loike totally FREE; Parper Jarb art is!"

English translation:

“Hello Amazon readers, this is old Ted Turner here to inform you that this book is a remarkable read. It is all about a tourist called Daniel from London who comes to our lovely village deep in rural Wiltshire. His Grandfather George who happened to be a very dear friend of mine died recently, which is very sad I am sure you agree. Young Daniel stays in his abode for a while. Dan requires employment, a manual labour, if you understand? So I inform him that the only vacancy if one has no experience in the agricultural industry is as a delivery operator at the family butchers known as Gerry’s.

When he ventures off to meet the other drivers of whom, to be honest, are not very intelligent. However it gets rather more complex when Daniel discovers a secret hidden in the cottage which all of us local inhabitants favour to keep secret. So with a splendidly attractive female that he starts courting, he uncovers an evil like no other. There is a bit of mischief going on and I will be the first one to admit that it is all a bit puerile but underneath all the ridiculousness lays a dark and scary plot containing zombies and other clich├ęd horror elements! Yes, I am correct; I did imply that zombies are the theme, the undead if you can comprehend this?

Can Daniel save our village from the zombie apocalypse, can he even understand what is occurring with the peculiar accent he practices and other such cultural indifferences; could he also be falling in love with one of our most beautiful country ladies, the disobedient bohemian? Well please do not ask me, read the book and assess it for yourself you lethargic person! Oh yes, the most favoured element of this book is that it is free of charge, how wonderful that is!"

Download from Amazon, free as often as I can make it free: US:  UK:

Or it is FREE all the time on Smashwords: Hope you enjoy it my friends; give it a nice review if you do, thanks!