No Surprises Living in Devizes: Sling and Stone

No Surprises Living in Devizes

Sling and Stone

David sleuth Goliath with a sling and a stone, but this election reminded me more of the scene in Independence Day when they fired their nukes at the mothership without effect.

The promise Corbyn would become prime minster if she lost six seats a fleeting illusion, but it reflected the theme of the banned song; she’s a liar, she lost twelve. But we knew that anyway.

Too thick-skinned to take a hint, the creature still breathes. If you run down a rabbit and it’s fighting for its life, the humane thing to do is finish it off. Maybe only an internal vote of no confidence will slay the conceited fiend.

After deflecting a self-harming manifesto targeting prime tory voters, as well as the poor, with a campaign built on falsely claiming Corbyn was a terrorist sympathiser, how did Mayday end? In desperation she jumped into bed with anyone who’d have her, and a blanket of irony covers the country like a storm cloud, because the only ones mental enough to grant her wish are a bunch of terrorists themselves.

So we can now add compulsory creationism class in schools and outlawing abortion and same sex marriage to our burgeoning list of hateful and oppressive philosophies, such as cutting police and school budgets, privatising the NHS and snooping on internet usage. Miraculously she found the money tree, in a money forest, for investment in Northern Ireland.

But despite a £1,200,000 leaf was picked from said tree for sickening anti-Corbyn adverts, and The Sun’s suggestion that you spike your teenagers with drugs to stop them voting, ol’ Jezzer did alright-ish. He celebrated by slapping a boob; something which only enhanced my respect for him.

It’s just a crying shame our backwards constituency couldn’t correspond with national change; sad proof the majority here are selfish, brainwashed, or too posh to care. I just want life to be a smidgen more peaceful; is this so wrong; they shot John Lennon for it?

I mean listen to Imagine, no sane person could deny it’s simple but poignant message, but it’s an idyllic dream.  Easy to romanticise about a world where all live in peace and harmony and whole different ballgame to put into reality.

Although John wrote Imagine forty-two years ago, you’d think by now we could have at least considered a theory for how we could go about it, being it’s such a cracking idea. Wouldn’t it be nice if we, as his country of birth, could be the first to reach out and make that change? Yeah, I thought so too; highly unlikely at the moment.

It’s depressing; the political debating paused locally two days before the election to agree on a post by Devizes Police where approximately hundred trees were reported to be heavy pruned and sprayed with chemicals to kill them off at the Jubilee Woodland project near Caen Hill. The event incomparable with happenings in London, still the reasons for this calculated vandalism was met blank; quite rightly, why anyone would do this was beyond understanding.

It’s enough to get Mr Happy down, but I promised we wouldn’t get political today; somebody stop me! I’ve dispatched some friendly questions to Claire Perry, we’ll wait for her to get back to me……..

But I have a cure if you’re feeling down, discovered by bearing all at Calnefest last weekend, and it’s raised a couple of points.

Oh no I hear you cry, those crazy Calne-folk slipped Worrow a funny-fag and now he thinks he has the answer for peace and harmony; not at all. See the photo, yeah it’s Wilbur the Air Ambulance bear, but I’m his skeleton! What an awesome experience, aside the fear I’d dehydrate in there, I’d recommend dressing in a giant bear costume to anyone feeling down.

For that while you feel legendary, everyone loves you and wants a cuddle. The only issue is when you “de-bear,” as those awesome air ambulance fundraising volunteers term it; confusion rises, you think you’re still the bear and parents look concerned that you’re waving enthusiastically at their kids!

I’d like to propose the election be fought in giant teddy-bear costumes, imagine the entertainment value; Question Time would be attention-grabbing. Imagine Britain First shouting their hate messages dressed as cuddly teddies! It mightn’t stop Theresa from spewing fibs but least no one would be able to hear them!

The other point about Calnefest was its simplicity and awesomeness; a great time was had by all at the rec, with two stages, dance and comedy tents, plenty of food stands and kid’s activities this really catered for all, and at a fair price tag. I know we have events here in the Vizes, but we don’t have an all-in, full-blown, family-sitting-on-the-lawn type festival. Somebody, take this Calne-model and replicate it here; something I thought I’d never say!